So, I’m flipping channels the other night and come across a little TV show called “Are You Hot?”. Now, maybe I don’t see a yellow-tinted-glasses-wearing Lorenzo Llamas or a badly-aging Rachael Hunter judging the looks and sex appeal of the common idiot masses as entertainment, but apparently there are millions out there who do.
Please note that when I talk about America, it’s usually, “us,” but when it comes to reality television and the dramas we all just have to watch, folks, there’s usually me and everybody else. I’ve never watched a single episode of The Sopranos. Do I totally love real-life mobster stories? You bet. Do I totally love an intriguing mystery/action novel? You bet. Do I enjoy being the only one in the room that hasn’t seen a single episode of Survivor, Fear Factor, or Who Wants To Marry Some Dumbass Who Wants To Marry Someone On Live TV? See the pattern? You bet!
There was a time when I enjoyed going to a little Italian Restaurant/Irish Bar called BirraPoretti’s at South Coast Plaza. The law aside, I started going there when I was 15 and spent countless hours upon hours enjoying their wonderful Italian food, Guinness on tap, and conversation with the well-dressed, properly-mannered clientele that made up the crowd there for many-a-year. I actually wrote some of my best stuff at one of the tables in the back corner of the bar there.
Then, about four years ago, after decades of a prosperous business model, some dumbass decided to move the tables out of the corners and put big screen TVs in their place. I can call on over twenty witnesses that will tell you, when they put those TVs in, William said, “I give them five years, tops, then they’ll be out of business.” TVs led to the dress code, the dress code led to football jerseys and a slip in food quality, which led to the menu changing, which led to no where. Guess whose doors are closed forever? Thanks, TV! You ruined Birra’s for me!
Now, just when you thought reali-shitty TV could not get any worse, Fox is proud to bring you, “Married By America.” On this one, single folks who haven’t been able to find their significant other are going to be paired up in matrimony by their fellow idiots...sorry, I mean peers. So, these morons are going to let “America” pick their soul mate and then they are going to get married before even meeting each other while “America” watches.
No matter what we’re arguing about and no matter what position you are in during the argument, there seems to be two “Americas.” There’s a 98% and a 2% that used to be a 97% and a 3%. There’s a something-% and a something-% when it comes to every aspect of America. So, while there’s 98% who enjoy reality TV, there’s the 2% of us who do not. So, what’s wrong with those of us who think MTV should show some god-damned music videos once in a while and force those f-ing Real World kids to get lives and jobs? What’s wrong with those of us who aren’t shocked and amazed that some construction worker is experiencing guilt over lying to a group of gold-diggers who are after his fictitious money? Nothing, really, it’s just that we’ve made the choice to experience life ourselves, instead of relishing in other people’s triumphs and defeats (if you can even all them that) while we sit in front of an appliance.
There is so much wonder going on in my romantic life that I don’t need to worry about who J-Lo is screwing this month, even though whenever I watch a 24-hour news channel, I have to turn off the last 15 minutes of every hour because they want to tell me. There are so many wonderful and intriguing people around me that I’ve never had to watch “Friends.” There are too many wonderful things out there in the world to be learned and enjoyed and there is so much to be done in the short time we own this wonderful gift of life. Am I the only one whose life is so full that I don’t have time, nor care enough, to know who’s getting the rose and who’s getting booted of the island, or fjord, or whatever the hell it is this season?
All right, All right, now, I’m not just bashing reali-shitty TV for no reason here...I have a message. See, like I said, there is in America, always two “Americas,” and there is no exception here. How is it that I am able to recite the gist of these shows without every having watched a single one? Between advertising, the buzz, and the media (Fox News Channel is still owned by the same “Joe Millionaire” Fox, people), they’re bombarding the 98%. You don’t want to be the only one at the water cooler tomorrow who didn’t watch, do you?!
So, watch up, 98%, because that still leaves 2% of us that are going to look back and relish in our accomplishments. We’re going to smile, knowing our kids can’t tell you who won American Idol this year, but could tell you the socio-economic reasons Saudi Arabia backed the Taliban (both sets of information are coming from the same appliance, people). One group of kids will settle into couch-potato-ism and another set of kids will one day lead America. 2% is going to hand a generation’s worth of growth, industry, and prosperity over to our kids, knowing that thanks to things like reali-shitty TV, our kids will have even less competition than we did. 98% is going to leave their kids Yoga DVDs by actual Real World cast members and a generation full of Darvas, Richard Hatches, people who will put their heads in a box full of scorpions if the price is right, and sports fanatics who can’t turn the game off long enough to sing “Happy Birthday” to their wife or kids. And yes, I’ve even seen that. Grown men actually reading the closed captions on a game while they sang, one eye on their kid and one eye on the game!
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