Mr. Parker, Eternal Vigilance and Our Hard-Earned Money

Remember when we were kids and there were only a few things we had to watch out for? Things like strangers in vans, strangers with candy and strangers that offered you candy to get in their van? Remember when as long as there was an adult you knew and trusted that could see you from wherever they were sitting, things were safe?

I mean, we had to watch out for Halloween candy that had razor blades in it, open bottles of Tylenol and Richard Ramirez that one summer, but all in all, when I look back to those golden years of yesterday, I always felt pretty safe.

Fast forward to today, and I feel like they are coming at us from every angle! You’re able-bodied, you have a job, a little bit of money put away, a decent car and a decent place to live and now, all of the sudden, you are prime target #1 for every sleazeball out there!

We have to watch out when we get money from an ATM because they’ll sneak up on us, or maybe they’ve already placed a card reader over the ATM card slot and are waiting for us to simply take out 20 bucks so they can gank us for all we’ve got! We have to watch out for that same card reader scam at the gas pump, too. I know 99.99% of the people who handle your credit card are trustworthy, but you still do hear about people getting card numbers lifted at retailers these days. It also seems like you stand a much better chance of not getting ripped off by the actual human holding your credit card than you do once the merchant lifts all your personal information off of that card and then stores it in their payment system. Target ring a bell for anyone out there? I didn’t get any fraudulent charges on the card I used that month at Target, but I did get a nice, brand new shiny credit card and new account number from Chase just in case.

And speaking of scams, just this past Saturday morning, I got a phone call I have to tell you about. There I was, minding my own business, about to take a live check to the bank when the phone rang. Yes, folks, an actual live check, if you can imagine! I was going to have to actually walk inside the bank! Can’t remember the last time I had to do that! Yes, those ATM machines sure are scary, but hey, much less scary than the line in the bank or one of those many colorful Orange County bank robbers that get the cool names like the Hawaiian Shirt Bandit, Cool Grandpa Bandit, and Lady In A Crazy Wig Bandit. Yeah, I made those ones up, but you know what I am talking about.

But, anyway, back to my story – back to the phone call. I am about to take this live check to the bank and my cell phone rings. It’s a 202 area code phone number with a caller ID listed in Washington, D.C. My first thought is, what the hell do they want? Haven’t I sent them enough money already this year? I don’t answer the call, but the caller leaves an automated message with the phone number, asking for a return call. Normally, I just ignore these calls, but this is the third call from that number in three days so I figure I better call them back and tell them I am not interested in their magazine subscription, low-low financing on a new automobile or whatever thing it is that they are peddling that I don’t want, that way, at the very least, they’ll stop calling me.

So, I call the number, and that is when it gets interesting. A man that sounds to be about my age or so with a very thick Indian accent answers my call and proceeds to tell me that I have reached the “IRS” and that they have been trying to reach me.

I laugh as I think to myself that the United States Internal Revenue Service sure as hell has never had a hard time reaching me before! They always seem to find my paycheck and me just fine every couple weeks. The man on the other end says that he wants to just confirm that he is speaking to the right person, so I figure, I am game...let’s see what they know about me.

Turns out to be pretty scary – He’s spot on with my first and last name, middle initial, full address, and obviously, my phone number. Granted, this information is available all over the Internet from just about any form I have filled out in the past 10 years, but nonetheless, a little annoying that they have all this info ready and at-hand when they are on the phone with me.

I proceed to tell the man on the phone that I am not sure why they are calling me because I am all paid up. He then apologizes, but doesn’t understand what I mean. I proceed to remind him that he works at the IRS and ask him if he understands what they do there. I explain that the take money from me every time I get paid and then another lump sum once a year, but right now, I am all paid up!

He them proceeds to tell me they have sent me multiple unanswered letters because, apparently, I owe so much in back taxes that I am now subject to a lawsuit being filed against me by the government. Now, keep in mind, this entire time, I am being very patient while this man struggles to get this entire story out in English, tripping up more than a few times.

I proceed to explain to him that since they have my correct address, the letters should have reached me no problem and that I am starting to wonder if he is really calling from the IRS. He then proceeds to tell me that he wants me to write down his name, his badge number, my case number and the toll free number to the IRS so that I always have it handy throughout what is most likely going to be a long and drug-out investigation by the IRS to determine exactly how much money I owe them.

I proceed to listen as “Mr. Parker” – and I confirmed that was the last name he was giving me because believe me, he had a really hard time saying it – gave me his badge number, my case number and the toll free number to the IRS. I looked up the number and it is, in fact, the main information line for our friends over at Internal Revenue.

I then proceeded to explain to Mr. Parker that I still didn’t believe he was who he said he was and that I really did not think he worked at the IRS. Once flustered, he became even harder to understand and I wasn’t really sure what it was he was saying by the time I wished him a good day and hung up the phone.

I reported the number – (202) 684-6436, so you all can keep an eye out for it – to the Do Not Call Registry, which naturally has my phone number as a happy registrant, but as you can imagine, I have very little confidence anything will be done by the folks who actually work in Washington, D.C. to stop these guys from making these calls.

Naturally, a Google search of the phone number yields a number of scam registry sites and complaints and funny stories from people who messed with the person on the phone far worse than I did, but I always think back to all of those episodes of American Greed and all of our elderly Americans who continue to fall victim to scams just like these and it makes me sad that we live in a world today where things like this have really become so common place.

It’s bad enough that I have the real IRS trying so hard to milk me dry, but having to deal with Mr. Parker and his obviously organized scammer friends on one of the two days a week when I am actually trying to relax is really annoying. Makes you wonder how it is that we got here. How is it that I have to now watch out for people who will even go as far as to steal a house – go ahead, look it up – they file paperwork to steal the title to your house from the County Clerk’s office – when all I used to have to do was simply stay where an adult I knew could see me and all would be fine?

Don’t get me wrong, folks, we live in an amazing time, and I know that a lot of us live some really great lives – definitely not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but just remember, as the saying goes, the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, and eternal vigilance is the only thing that will keep me and you from losing our hard-earned money to all the Mr. Parker’s out there.

UPDATE: Looks like this scam is large enough,we're actually doing something about it. 

Who's Runnin' In 2012?

The field of Presidential hopefuls for 2012 is starting to take shape. While many of the expected big-name candidates are still doing their dance of acting like a shy girl on prom night, some of the more colorful candidates are already well on their way with their campaigns.

One such candidate is Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, a self-proclaimed vampire that not only drinks the blood of his girlfriend and mistresses two times a week, but says "Certain criminals, instead of being put in jail, they should be brutally tortured and impaled. Upon them being found guilty of their crimes I'll beat them, torture them, dismember them and decapitate them." Sharkey adds, "I won't be bullied, I won't be blackmailed. Criminals and terrorists will fear me along with corrupt law enforcement officials. I will not tolerate crime or terrorism."

Game over! Can I have my ballot now? My decision is made! I see The Impaler has read my platform on crime, punishment and keeping the peace! Well, I must admit I adapted it from Vlad Tepes, Prince of Wallachia's platform, but a good idea is a good idea, right?

When asked about his chances of winning, Sharkey comments that basically with as bad a candidate as Sarah Palin is, and with how much people hate her, he's a much lesser evil in comparison.

Another notable candidate that has already filed his application to run for President in 2012, is Miami Beach resident Raphael Herman. Herman has run for mayor of Miami Beach six times and claims that fraudulent election results are the only cause of his six-time losing streak. Most notable about Herman is that he is not a naturally born U.S. citizen. When asked about the President having to have been born in the U.S., he claims he has evidence that President Barak Obama was actually born in Kenya and will use that evidence to cite precedence when he is elected President. "I was not born in America. I was born in Israel, but you see [President Barack Obama] wasn't born in this country either. I have his birth certificate."

Deonia "Dee" Neveu, a mother of five from Virginia has also filed her paperwork for her presidential bid. She seems to be wanting to point out to Americans who are misguidedly looking for a President with a wealth of experience that the constitution doesn't actually call for any type of political experience, and in fact, believes that the constitution was written so that any American could give becoming President a shot. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself," says Neveu. "I don't want to live in the White House. "I would like to use a part of the White House to host fundraising events for America." Well, at least she has more political experience that our current President did when he began his campaign, right?

A reformed heavy drug user (from California, of course) who has found God, Mosheh Thezion is also running for President in 2012, though he is saying right up front that he doesn't like how he looks when he smiles, so we can expect not to see any smiles on the campaign trail. "They'll just dig it up anyway," said Thezion. "I hate politicians who lie. I tell the truth, I have nothing to hide, why would I want to hide something?" Seems like Thezion equates smiling to lying, doesn't he? I bet he was a huge fan of George the Great Satan Junior! Thezion follows up his statement that he used to use "pounds and pounds" of marijuana, cocaine, meth and alcohol before "giving up his sinful ways" by saying, "I grew up a loose liberal which is why I'm a conservative today." As I have always said, a liberal is a conservative that either hasn't hit rock bottom in their liberal ways, been the victim of a crime, or simply come to their senses yet.

Thezion also says that he will "abolish the Internal Revenue Service" and "pay off the entire national debt, permanently." I like how that sounds. Maybe I can get vampire guy to agree to the same financial policy.

Rounding out our cavalcade of interesting Presidential hopefuls is Rutherford B. Hayes, not to be confused with the 19th president of the United States by the same name. Rutherford says, "The current administration is engulfed with socialists, communists, and marxists as well as insatiable condescending egos." Yes, and birds go tweet!

We've still got a long way to go before we start widdlin' down the pack and see if the vampire, Israeli, inexperienced mom, or guy with the same name as the 19th President, can give the likes of The Master & Commander, Mrs. Once Rodham-Clinton Now Just Clinton, The Lady Who Really Liked To Say The Word Maverick Last Time, and clear great choice Mitt Romney a run for their money. Either way, maybe we shouldn't be so closed-minded when it comes to platforms, America. Just because you're a total nut job doesn't mean you shouldn't be setting U.S. policy. I mean, hell, we let Pelosi do it, and The Impaler isn't nearly quite as frightening....

A U.S. Tax Timeline...

1913 - The 16th Amendment authorizes income taxes. Congress taxes income over $3,000.

1918 - During World War I, Congress institutes progressive tax rates with a top bracket of 77%.

1919 - Prohibition begins. The commissioner of Internal Revenue must enforce it.

1931 - Gangster and bootlegger Al Capone is convicted of tax evasion.

1933 - Prohibition is repealed.

1942 - The Revenue Act raises tax rates but allows deductions for medical and investment expenses. President Franklin D. Roosevelt says, "In time of this grave national danger, when all excess income should go to win the war, no American citizen ought to have a net income, after he has paid his taxes, of more than $25,000 a year."

1943 - Payroll withholding is introduced.

1944 - Congress creates the standard deduction.

1954 - April 15 replaces March 15 as the deadline for filing income taxes.

1974 - The Employee Retirement and Income Security Act gives the IRS regulatory responsibility for employee benefit plans.

1981 - Congress enacts a $750 billion tax cut, the largest in U.S. history. 401(k)s are introduced. IRAs become widely available to Americans.

1982 - Deficits soar and tax cuts are repealed.

1984 - Deficits still soar and more tax cuts are repealed.

1988 - George H.W. Bush says, "Read my lips; no new taxes."

1990 - Taxes rise for the wealthy. Observers later suggest that this hike will cost George H.W. Bush the 1992 election.

1993 - President Bill Clinton signs into law a $496 billion tax hike.

1997 - President Bill Clinton cuts capital-gains rates and introduces the $500 child credit.

2001 - President George W. Bush cuts taxes and the IRS mails outs "advance refunds."

2003 - A 10-year $350 billion tax cut temporarily reduces dividend, gain and estate taxes.